The "Feels"

The feels
  They are quite an odd entity
They start with a thought
   They morph into an emotion

It's one single emotion
  Rapidly becoming all emotions
It's balled up into
  A giant monstrous mess.

They are difficult
  To control
At times you find yourself
  So caught up in them you don't want control

Your heart pounds
  Almost out of your chest
Your mind races
  Sweaty palms precede crazy decisions

Before you know it you've spent hours investing time and energy
  into someone who may not even share your feels
You worry about how they feel
  What they think

At night you lay awake
  You recount text messages
Your thoughts linger on
  The gentle brushes of their hand against yours

You wonder what they are thinking about
  Every time you find them gazing at you
That perfect smile
  Playing peek-a-boo on their face

You wait,
  longing for the feels to be reciprocated
You pray that your heart will beat long enough for them to realize
  That it is beating in-sync with theirs.

Though you are not foolish
  You know that the chance of them feeling the same way
Is as slim as the chance of you seeing the Easter Bunny
  or the Tooth Fairy

Preparation begins
  You prepare for the heartache
You know that the feels only last
  Until they are squelched out by the cruel reality

The reality is:

He likes blondes
  You are a brunette
They are beautiful
  You are slightly less than average


Their bodies are built
  Like Greek Goddesses
You are fluffy
  The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

When they wake up in the morning
  They look as though God kissed them with perfection
When you wake up in the morning
  You're pretty sure a mac-truck ran over you, twice

Darling you'll realize that the feels
  Are cruel and unusual punishment
That we so unkindly
  Inflict on ourselves

When you come through
  You will be sore and wounded
The recovery time
  Depends on how far you let yourself go

I Can't Write Down How I Feel

I can't write down how I feel
  When you are around
Without sounding like a teenage
  "love song" cliche and over done

And the words are hard to find
  When your voice hums through my mind
I try to shake you out
  But like an ear-worm you come crawling back

You smile as brightly
  As the sun
Boy when you're around
  I feel like I'm coming undone

I Would Be a Liar

I would be a liar
  If I said I did not like it
The way you
  Touch my skin

And if I said that
  Sometimes it did not turn me on
Oh sweet darling
  I would be lying again

You touch me ever so gently
  Your hands running over my arms
Your breath against my neck
  It feels so warm

You run your hand
  Carefully through my hair
Grabbing a little bit
  Pulling it tight

You mean nothing
  By all of this
Your careless actions
  I know they are innocent

You pull back and look at me
  Placing a sloppy kiss on my forehead
I would be a liar my dear
  If I said I did not like it

Butterfly Fields

Butterfly fields is what
  You called it
You said
  They were everywhere

As you told me
  About this place
I thought I could
  Hear drops of magic in your voice

You described the different
  Colors they were
You said
  They made you think of me

My face could hardly contain
  The smile
My heart could hardly hold
  The joy

My mind was lost
  With thoughts of us
In your butterfly fields
  For days

We Met Online

We met online
  Neither of us really looking
We became instant friends
  Neither expecting more

We talked via chat
  You didn't have a phone
At work
  We kept each other company

My heart grew fond
  As did yours
Wand when you got a phone
  You stole my affections

We shared a lot
  About our pasts
And even more
  About our current

Days felt long
  When we didn't talk
But you made it up
  By staying up with me

You made me laugh
  With your silly jokes
You made my life
  Seem that much brighter

And when we talked about
  Meeting face-to-face
My heart would run around
  My mind would race

The fear of being alone
  Was pushed aside
For the first time
  I felt I had a chance

"I have commitment issues"
  You would say again and again
"I've been hurt by every other woman"
  Not realizing I was different

I should have known
  I had no chance
From the moment
  You started making excuses

I Feel So Stressed

I feel so stressed
  It's eating right through me
My brain wants to quit
  To stop thinking
My heart wants a break
  To stop feeling
My Spirit cries out
  "Do not give up"
My body dying
  Weary and tired
The will to press on
  Slowly fading
But I was not born a quitter
  Fighter is written all over me
I will dust this off
  I will continue on

We Were Celebrating My Birthday

We were celebrating my birthday

                We thought it would be great

She said she could get us in

                The party was low-key

I could have my first drink

                It would be her gift to me

We took her car

                You alone in the backseat

And when we got there

                The sidewalks full of ice

You followed me up the stairs

                You didn’t want me to fall

The scene was exciting

                A room full of people I didn’t know

Introductions quick and scary

                Everyone seemed super cool

She paid (six dollars apiece)

                “You had better drink three each”

She chided

                Handing me a beer

The taste

                Urine like on my tongue

At first I sipped

                Acquiring the taste

Then it was easy

                As my can got low

I traded mine for yours

                Just as mine began to feel low

I’m sure you were

                Well aware

My body felt good

                My mind finally clear

The trouble began with a man

                Drinking from a green cup

My eyes drawn to it

                My favorite shade

I grinned and looked at him

                “May I have a taste”

He smiled and passed the cup over

                That beautiful green cup

When my mouth tasted

                The concoction I knew it was love

“It tastes like lemon drops

                They are dancing on my tongue”

He chuckled at my comments

                “Go ahead take another drink”

You laughed at my silliness

                Got me my own cup when I asked

The mixture

                Slightly stronger this time

I drank it though

                It was gone too fast

“They should serve this all the time

                For breakfast for lunch and at dinner”

You laughed at me

                “Here’s a little more”

My face was so warm

                My brain such a blur

You took me to the freezer

                You said it would be cooler

I had never felt so free

                Unconcerned with how I appeared

I slid down the counter

                I sat on the floor

The tile felt cool

                My body a fire

You stood leaning against the wall

                Directly across from me

You were my keeper

                Babysitter if you must

My fingers played with your shoelaces

                My face pressed against the floor

The tile felt cool against my cheeks

                Your eyes watching my every move

I sat up and you smiled

                “Are you ok”

Tracing the seam of the bottom of your jeans

                “I’m okay thanks”

As I gazed up at you

                I noticed your zipper undone

I reached up to fix it

                You looked confused

“Your pants are unzipped

                I was just going to fix it”

You swatted my hand

                Your face serious and red

“Do you want to

                Suck my dick”

I was taken aback

                My mind confused and shocked

You chuckled it off played it as though

You weren’t as serious as your tone

“Let’s sober you up

                We’ll need to leave here really soon”

I was unruly

                Slightly out of control

But with help from another

                You convinced me to rest on the couch

My head in your lap

                Your hand caressing my hair

The house was quiet

                Peace had resided

Driving back that morning

                You reclined my seat

She slept in the back

                No one truly sober

You had to pull the car over

                I felt like I was going to puke

I jumped out and ran to the grass

                My insides coming out

You held back my hair

                Rubbed your hand over my back

“Let’s get you to bed

                Will you make it now”

I shook my head

                “Yes” and we got back in the car

Closing my eyes

                The ride so quiet

One hand driving

                I felt the other graze mine

Not holding hands but close enough

                She peaked up

“Date already”

                You pushed me away

“Stop trying to hold my hand”

                I was confused

My emotions

                Strung too thin

She took me to my room

                Got me tucked in

“Drink plenty of water

                Lay on your side

I’ll check on you later

                You’ll be fine”

All day I slept

                Puking only once

At dinner I got up and ate

                A half of a breadstick

We never again talked about your dick

                Or the rejection from your hand

Sometimes it’s easier to let it go

                Than to hold on to the hurt

Dear Friend

Dear friend

            How my heart misses you

I long for the days when

            We were closer together

Those nights we hung out

            All night

The time we spent

            Days together

I would sleep and shower

            Then we would start it all again

People asked if we were dating

            We would say no and laugh

But my heart was so sad

            Because I cared for you

I wanted to be yours

            And you to be mine

I remember people would say

            If you want to find

One of us

            Just look for the other

Inseparable unstoppable

            We were quite the force

But I left

            You changed

We grew

            Or fell apart

Dear friend

            How my heart misses you

You Walked Me Back

You walked me back
  It was late that night
Casually we strolled along
  Side by side

Walking so close together
  Our hands occasionally touched
Our conversation so easy
  Sharing thoughts and laughter

Neither of us wanted to say goodbye
  Standing at the bottom of the steps
You looking down at me
  I could see the thoughts in your eyes

You asked the silliest question
  “What if you and I…”
The pause causing my heart to race
  “Dated”

I didn’t know how
  To answer
So I breathed in
  And let it out

“I think I would start arguments
  You would have to let me win”
“I wouldn’t let you win that easy
  But eventually you would”

“I would need a lot of time
  You’d have to listen to me talk”
“I enjoy our time together
  And we already talk a lot”

“It seems the things I would need
  We already do”
“So nothing would change”
  “Nothing would change”

We laughed about the conversation
  Agreed we were great friends
But somewhere in my heart
  I was sad because that’s all we would ever be