thoughts from within

i feel trapped like a wild animal. my back is against the wall and i'm showing teeth. the hair on my neck is raised and sweat dripping down my face. i feel like running but how do i get out of this? how do i manage to run this time?

it's my own fault. it's my lack of ambition; my lack of drive. these days i find that the only things that get me going are frustration, anger, and sometimes fear. i've shed all dignity for a feel-good moment in time. i've replaced self-respect with loathing. i can't seem to remember what it is to love oneself.

i breath in and out. my eyes shake at the sight of my only out. escape means to lose everything but it also means gaining everything. ultimate freedom in exchange for ultimate life. do i want to sacrifice? have i weighed the cost? have i counted my loss?

most would look at my options and sacrifice. my stubbornness has set in and it's holding ground. i want to panic but i also want to rage. i want to lash out and try to fight. i want to feel brave and independent. i want to do this on my own.

time, it's clicking away. fear, racing through my mind. i would ask for advice but no one wants to hear my irrational ramblings. everyone is tired. tired of me. they are tired of the slow chiseling away of their patience and irrational feelings on a near daily basis. it's best if i leave them unaware of the battle going on inside.

decision. i will stand here. i will stand here in my mental prison waiting on me. i will stand here in my mental prison, waiting on me to decide that my only option is the right one. i will stand here until i have convinced myself that living a life of selfishness is not worth losing my soul over. i will stand.

i will stand until all fight inside me has passed. i will stand with face down and hands raised. this will be my position until the fight is over. this will be my position until i have learned to submit flesh to the Spirit. this will be my stance.