thursday.... decided

it's thursday. one day from final inspection at work; two days until we are supposed to open.

breathing in and out feels so easy today. sometimes breathing is the hardest thing i have to do. sometimes i don't even want to breathe. sometimes i debate whether or not i want to even live.

today. today i lived joyfully.

some days i don't know how i feel. to be honest, it's probably not that i don't know how i feel, it's that i don't want to admit or own up to those feelings. i don't want to be honest with what is going on inside of my heart, what's going on inside of my mind. i don't want to admit that i have real feelings. i don't want to be open. i don't want to be vulnerable. 

i'm just a few years from being thirty. i'm single and have no kids. my heart longs for the day that i will wake up next to the very person i woke up to everyday for the last 3,650 days. my heart longs for the pitter-patter of little feet running across the floor and the sweet giggles of children who are climbing into my bed early on saturday morning.

but who wants to truly admit that they have longings they are afraid will never be soothed? who wants to stand in front of their friends and peers and admit that sometimes the very thought of being alone for the rest of their life makes them want to be done living right now? who wants to admit that they long for the very things that they've been longing for years now? who wants to admit they feel as though they long too much?

i thought for sure five years ago when i dreamed of the future, i would have a husband, 2 kids, a st. bernard, and a house with a nice sized yard for all to play in. i thought for sure that i would be finished with school and be sending one of my two to preschool. i thought for sure i would have it all worked out and that i'd be living the "life."

i've realize that i'm not even sure what the "life" is supposed to look like. my mind feels like there are a million questions floating around. questions like: "what if this is the life?" "what if each 'life' is different because we are not all supposed to live in this cookie-cutter 'life'?" " does the 'life' have to include a husband and children? can't the 'life' be me, happy and content with where i'm at?"  "who decides what the 'life' is anyway?"  "who has decided that the life i'm living isn't good enough?"

i stop. my life is my own. i must not compare to others. i will be content with it. i will know that there is room for growth. i will not let the fact that it isn't everything i thought it would be stop me from living.

i have decided.