The "Feels"

The feels
  They are quite an odd entity
They start with a thought
   They morph into an emotion

It's one single emotion
  Rapidly becoming all emotions
It's balled up into
  A giant monstrous mess.

They are difficult
  To control
At times you find yourself
  So caught up in them you don't want control

Your heart pounds
  Almost out of your chest
Your mind races
  Sweaty palms precede crazy decisions

Before you know it you've spent hours investing time and energy
  into someone who may not even share your feels
You worry about how they feel
  What they think

At night you lay awake
  You recount text messages
Your thoughts linger on
  The gentle brushes of their hand against yours

You wonder what they are thinking about
  Every time you find them gazing at you
That perfect smile
  Playing peek-a-boo on their face

You wait,
  longing for the feels to be reciprocated
You pray that your heart will beat long enough for them to realize
  That it is beating in-sync with theirs.

Though you are not foolish
  You know that the chance of them feeling the same way
Is as slim as the chance of you seeing the Easter Bunny
  or the Tooth Fairy

Preparation begins
  You prepare for the heartache
You know that the feels only last
  Until they are squelched out by the cruel reality

The reality is:

He likes blondes
  You are a brunette
They are beautiful
  You are slightly less than average


Their bodies are built
  Like Greek Goddesses
You are fluffy
  The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

When they wake up in the morning
  They look as though God kissed them with perfection
When you wake up in the morning
  You're pretty sure a mac-truck ran over you, twice

Darling you'll realize that the feels
  Are cruel and unusual punishment
That we so unkindly
  Inflict on ourselves

When you come through
  You will be sore and wounded
The recovery time
  Depends on how far you let yourself go

I Can't Write Down How I Feel

I can't write down how I feel
  When you are around
Without sounding like a teenage
  "love song" cliche and over done

And the words are hard to find
  When your voice hums through my mind
I try to shake you out
  But like an ear-worm you come crawling back

You smile as brightly
  As the sun
Boy when you're around
  I feel like I'm coming undone

I Would Be a Liar

I would be a liar
  If I said I did not like it
The way you
  Touch my skin

And if I said that
  Sometimes it did not turn me on
Oh sweet darling
  I would be lying again

You touch me ever so gently
  Your hands running over my arms
Your breath against my neck
  It feels so warm

You run your hand
  Carefully through my hair
Grabbing a little bit
  Pulling it tight

You mean nothing
  By all of this
Your careless actions
  I know they are innocent

You pull back and look at me
  Placing a sloppy kiss on my forehead
I would be a liar my dear
  If I said I did not like it

Butterfly Fields

Butterfly fields is what
  You called it
You said
  They were everywhere

As you told me
  About this place
I thought I could
  Hear drops of magic in your voice

You described the different
  Colors they were
You said
  They made you think of me

My face could hardly contain
  The smile
My heart could hardly hold
  The joy

My mind was lost
  With thoughts of us
In your butterfly fields
  For days

We Met Online

We met online
  Neither of us really looking
We became instant friends
  Neither expecting more

We talked via chat
  You didn't have a phone
At work
  We kept each other company

My heart grew fond
  As did yours
Wand when you got a phone
  You stole my affections

We shared a lot
  About our pasts
And even more
  About our current

Days felt long
  When we didn't talk
But you made it up
  By staying up with me

You made me laugh
  With your silly jokes
You made my life
  Seem that much brighter

And when we talked about
  Meeting face-to-face
My heart would run around
  My mind would race

The fear of being alone
  Was pushed aside
For the first time
  I felt I had a chance

"I have commitment issues"
  You would say again and again
"I've been hurt by every other woman"
  Not realizing I was different

I should have known
  I had no chance
From the moment
  You started making excuses

I Feel So Stressed

I feel so stressed
  It's eating right through me
My brain wants to quit
  To stop thinking
My heart wants a break
  To stop feeling
My Spirit cries out
  "Do not give up"
My body dying
  Weary and tired
The will to press on
  Slowly fading
But I was not born a quitter
  Fighter is written all over me
I will dust this off
  I will continue on

We Were Celebrating My Birthday

We were celebrating my birthday

                We thought it would be great

She said she could get us in

                The party was low-key

I could have my first drink

                It would be her gift to me

We took her car

                You alone in the backseat

And when we got there

                The sidewalks full of ice

You followed me up the stairs

                You didn’t want me to fall

The scene was exciting

                A room full of people I didn’t know

Introductions quick and scary

                Everyone seemed super cool

She paid (six dollars apiece)

                “You had better drink three each”

She chided

                Handing me a beer

The taste

                Urine like on my tongue

At first I sipped

                Acquiring the taste

Then it was easy

                As my can got low

I traded mine for yours

                Just as mine began to feel low

I’m sure you were

                Well aware

My body felt good

                My mind finally clear

The trouble began with a man

                Drinking from a green cup

My eyes drawn to it

                My favorite shade

I grinned and looked at him

                “May I have a taste”

He smiled and passed the cup over

                That beautiful green cup

When my mouth tasted

                The concoction I knew it was love

“It tastes like lemon drops

                They are dancing on my tongue”

He chuckled at my comments

                “Go ahead take another drink”

You laughed at my silliness

                Got me my own cup when I asked

The mixture

                Slightly stronger this time

I drank it though

                It was gone too fast

“They should serve this all the time

                For breakfast for lunch and at dinner”

You laughed at me

                “Here’s a little more”

My face was so warm

                My brain such a blur

You took me to the freezer

                You said it would be cooler

I had never felt so free

                Unconcerned with how I appeared

I slid down the counter

                I sat on the floor

The tile felt cool

                My body a fire

You stood leaning against the wall

                Directly across from me

You were my keeper

                Babysitter if you must

My fingers played with your shoelaces

                My face pressed against the floor

The tile felt cool against my cheeks

                Your eyes watching my every move

I sat up and you smiled

                “Are you ok”

Tracing the seam of the bottom of your jeans

                “I’m okay thanks”

As I gazed up at you

                I noticed your zipper undone

I reached up to fix it

                You looked confused

“Your pants are unzipped

                I was just going to fix it”

You swatted my hand

                Your face serious and red

“Do you want to

                Suck my dick”

I was taken aback

                My mind confused and shocked

You chuckled it off played it as though

You weren’t as serious as your tone

“Let’s sober you up

                We’ll need to leave here really soon”

I was unruly

                Slightly out of control

But with help from another

                You convinced me to rest on the couch

My head in your lap

                Your hand caressing my hair

The house was quiet

                Peace had resided

Driving back that morning

                You reclined my seat

She slept in the back

                No one truly sober

You had to pull the car over

                I felt like I was going to puke

I jumped out and ran to the grass

                My insides coming out

You held back my hair

                Rubbed your hand over my back

“Let’s get you to bed

                Will you make it now”

I shook my head

                “Yes” and we got back in the car

Closing my eyes

                The ride so quiet

One hand driving

                I felt the other graze mine

Not holding hands but close enough

                She peaked up

“Date already”

                You pushed me away

“Stop trying to hold my hand”

                I was confused

My emotions

                Strung too thin

She took me to my room

                Got me tucked in

“Drink plenty of water

                Lay on your side

I’ll check on you later

                You’ll be fine”

All day I slept

                Puking only once

At dinner I got up and ate

                A half of a breadstick

We never again talked about your dick

                Or the rejection from your hand

Sometimes it’s easier to let it go

                Than to hold on to the hurt

Dear Friend

Dear friend

            How my heart misses you

I long for the days when

            We were closer together

Those nights we hung out

            All night

The time we spent

            Days together

I would sleep and shower

            Then we would start it all again

People asked if we were dating

            We would say no and laugh

But my heart was so sad

            Because I cared for you

I wanted to be yours

            And you to be mine

I remember people would say

            If you want to find

One of us

            Just look for the other

Inseparable unstoppable

            We were quite the force

But I left

            You changed

We grew

            Or fell apart

Dear friend

            How my heart misses you

You Walked Me Back

You walked me back
  It was late that night
Casually we strolled along
  Side by side

Walking so close together
  Our hands occasionally touched
Our conversation so easy
  Sharing thoughts and laughter

Neither of us wanted to say goodbye
  Standing at the bottom of the steps
You looking down at me
  I could see the thoughts in your eyes

You asked the silliest question
  “What if you and I…”
The pause causing my heart to race
  “Dated”

I didn’t know how
  To answer
So I breathed in
  And let it out

“I think I would start arguments
  You would have to let me win”
“I wouldn’t let you win that easy
  But eventually you would”

“I would need a lot of time
  You’d have to listen to me talk”
“I enjoy our time together
  And we already talk a lot”

“It seems the things I would need
  We already do”
“So nothing would change”
  “Nothing would change”

We laughed about the conversation
  Agreed we were great friends
But somewhere in my heart
  I was sad because that’s all we would ever be

"I Picked You Up"

I picked you up
  From your house
You wore pink
  You looked nice

You wanted to shop
  And visit your mom
Grab some dinner
  And hang at your place

At the mall
  You were touchy
At first
  I didn’t mind

The hand holding
  Was okay
And the piggy back ride
  I didn’t mind

But when you
  Pushed me against the wall
Turning my face to the side
  I knew this was the end

I was afraid
  I asked you to stop
But you wouldn’t
  You just pressed harder against me

I could feel you breathing on me
  Your breath so hot
One hand on my thigh
  The other my shoulder

It didn’t last very long
  But long enough
It may not have been rape
  But it doesn’t really matter

You violated me
  You invaded my space
You grinded against me
  And for what

And we went to dinner
  I was so embarrassed
We went to your house
  And you wanted me to stay

I made up an excuse
  Some creative little lie
You pleaded with me
  Said you didn’t want to say goodbye

But I was finished
  I knew our friendship deadly
I knew I wasn’t guaranteed
  To be safe with you again

I drove away that night
  Your scent on me
Tears
  Streaming down my face

In my mind
  The story would end:
No truer friend
  Had I ever known

But then reality
  Came crashing in
Our friendship
  It was time to end

"The Attempt Was Scary"

The attempt was scary

  I shook the whole way

To the hospital

  With the few friends you requested to see

The nurses thought

  I was… your girlfriend

Your mom was confused

  When she discovered the age difference

Six years

  The age gap

I was just your friend

  I could relate to the pain you felt within

You had been through a lot

  Brought on by your mind

I worried about you

  Afraid you would really take your own life

In the fall

  After your “incident”

We grew closer

  You even… stayed with me and my family once

The night was so fun

  We laughed

My family

  They thought you were eccentric

At the end of the night

  We lay on the bed

Your head in my lap

  I traced the scar on your wrist

You were my friend

  I thought I was safe

There were no alarms

  Not a reason to hesitate

On the way home

  You were a little

I think the word is

  Spazzy

This was the first time

  I felt unsafe

The first time

  I felt afraid

At six foot

  Eight inches

I saw you as

  A cuddly teddy bear

But today

  You morphed

You became this

  Monster

I sat in the driver’s seat

  You next to me

The sun shone brightly

  Even on that October day

I’m not sure

  What caused the “break”

But your demeanor

  It changed

Grabbing the wheel

  Shifting us back and forth

I begged you to stop

  But you continued

There was an eerie

  Chuckles in your throat

A frightening

  Look upon your face

When you finally stopped

  Tugging the wheel

You started 

  Tugging my shirt

I had never been touched

  The way you attempted

Never groped

  In this way

Your hands pulling

  At my shirt

Your fingers

  Grazing my breast

I asked you to

  Stop

With a sheepish giggle

  Because… I thought you were playing

You kept on

  Pulling up my shirt

Caressing me

  Groping me

Your hand

  It moved to my knee

And then

  My thigh

My heart

  It raced with

Fear

  Discomfort

I asked

  Over and over

I pleaded

  For you to… “JUST STOP”

It was not until

  I threatened

To pull over

  That you stopped

We did not

  Talk about it again

When I dropped you off

  You hugged me through the window

You said goodbye

  And on the way home

I cried

  Part of me felt as though somehow I had asked for it

"You Were Depressed"

You were depressed
  I was so full of joy
You your mind so dark
  Mine oh mine clear and so bright

You fought hard but fell
  The battle raged within
Oh those demons
  You belonged to them

You wanted to be saved
  I grabbed my cape
Wielding weapons
  I began to fight your fight

With tears and hope
  You began to brighten
Your eyes not as dark
  Your heart not as pained

I held you
  Through the darkest hours
I listened to you
  Your words stricken with pain

And soon the storms calmed
  Fire seemed to cease
No longer in need of my cape
  I put back on my civilian clothes

I stayed close by
  I wanted to be there for you
I didn’t want you to fall
  I didn’t want you to die

"I Met You Again"

I met you again

  Last night as I

Closed my eyes

  And drifted away

You were wearing

  That bright blue shirt and khakis

The outfit that always screamed

  “I long for the beach”

Your hair lay flat

  Dark as coal

Your eyes shone bright

  Two twinkling emeralds

You smiled my way

  You waved me over

I snuggled into my blanket

  My heart beginning to race

I was certain you had not seen me

  I must have been mistaken

For again you waved

  And called out to me

I had forgotten how sweet

  My name sounded on your lips

It dripped off like honey

  Drips from the comb

I was the bee

  You were the charmer

Your sweet lips

  The food during my long winters

Temptation

  It won again

In a cloudy haze

  I slowly gave in

Regrets

  I have but one

I awoke too soon

  Now are you are gone

I met you again 

  Last night

In my sweet but

  Restless slumber