"I Picked You Up"

I picked you up
  From your house
You wore pink
  You looked nice

You wanted to shop
  And visit your mom
Grab some dinner
  And hang at your place

At the mall
  You were touchy
At first
  I didn’t mind

The hand holding
  Was okay
And the piggy back ride
  I didn’t mind

But when you
  Pushed me against the wall
Turning my face to the side
  I knew this was the end

I was afraid
  I asked you to stop
But you wouldn’t
  You just pressed harder against me

I could feel you breathing on me
  Your breath so hot
One hand on my thigh
  The other my shoulder

It didn’t last very long
  But long enough
It may not have been rape
  But it doesn’t really matter

You violated me
  You invaded my space
You grinded against me
  And for what

And we went to dinner
  I was so embarrassed
We went to your house
  And you wanted me to stay

I made up an excuse
  Some creative little lie
You pleaded with me
  Said you didn’t want to say goodbye

But I was finished
  I knew our friendship deadly
I knew I wasn’t guaranteed
  To be safe with you again

I drove away that night
  Your scent on me
Tears
  Streaming down my face

In my mind
  The story would end:
No truer friend
  Had I ever known

But then reality
  Came crashing in
Our friendship
  It was time to end

"The Attempt Was Scary"

The attempt was scary

  I shook the whole way

To the hospital

  With the few friends you requested to see

The nurses thought

  I was… your girlfriend

Your mom was confused

  When she discovered the age difference

Six years

  The age gap

I was just your friend

  I could relate to the pain you felt within

You had been through a lot

  Brought on by your mind

I worried about you

  Afraid you would really take your own life

In the fall

  After your “incident”

We grew closer

  You even… stayed with me and my family once

The night was so fun

  We laughed

My family

  They thought you were eccentric

At the end of the night

  We lay on the bed

Your head in my lap

  I traced the scar on your wrist

You were my friend

  I thought I was safe

There were no alarms

  Not a reason to hesitate

On the way home

  You were a little

I think the word is

  Spazzy

This was the first time

  I felt unsafe

The first time

  I felt afraid

At six foot

  Eight inches

I saw you as

  A cuddly teddy bear

But today

  You morphed

You became this

  Monster

I sat in the driver’s seat

  You next to me

The sun shone brightly

  Even on that October day

I’m not sure

  What caused the “break”

But your demeanor

  It changed

Grabbing the wheel

  Shifting us back and forth

I begged you to stop

  But you continued

There was an eerie

  Chuckles in your throat

A frightening

  Look upon your face

When you finally stopped

  Tugging the wheel

You started 

  Tugging my shirt

I had never been touched

  The way you attempted

Never groped

  In this way

Your hands pulling

  At my shirt

Your fingers

  Grazing my breast

I asked you to

  Stop

With a sheepish giggle

  Because… I thought you were playing

You kept on

  Pulling up my shirt

Caressing me

  Groping me

Your hand

  It moved to my knee

And then

  My thigh

My heart

  It raced with

Fear

  Discomfort

I asked

  Over and over

I pleaded

  For you to… “JUST STOP”

It was not until

  I threatened

To pull over

  That you stopped

We did not

  Talk about it again

When I dropped you off

  You hugged me through the window

You said goodbye

  And on the way home

I cried

  Part of me felt as though somehow I had asked for it

"You Were Depressed"

You were depressed
  I was so full of joy
You your mind so dark
  Mine oh mine clear and so bright

You fought hard but fell
  The battle raged within
Oh those demons
  You belonged to them

You wanted to be saved
  I grabbed my cape
Wielding weapons
  I began to fight your fight

With tears and hope
  You began to brighten
Your eyes not as dark
  Your heart not as pained

I held you
  Through the darkest hours
I listened to you
  Your words stricken with pain

And soon the storms calmed
  Fire seemed to cease
No longer in need of my cape
  I put back on my civilian clothes

I stayed close by
  I wanted to be there for you
I didn’t want you to fall
  I didn’t want you to die

"I Met You Again"

I met you again

  Last night as I

Closed my eyes

  And drifted away

You were wearing

  That bright blue shirt and khakis

The outfit that always screamed

  “I long for the beach”

Your hair lay flat

  Dark as coal

Your eyes shone bright

  Two twinkling emeralds

You smiled my way

  You waved me over

I snuggled into my blanket

  My heart beginning to race

I was certain you had not seen me

  I must have been mistaken

For again you waved

  And called out to me

I had forgotten how sweet

  My name sounded on your lips

It dripped off like honey

  Drips from the comb

I was the bee

  You were the charmer

Your sweet lips

  The food during my long winters

Temptation

  It won again

In a cloudy haze

  I slowly gave in

Regrets

  I have but one

I awoke too soon

  Now are you are gone

I met you again 

  Last night

In my sweet but

  Restless slumber 

the big battle

“What we don't let out traps us. We think, No one else feels this way, I must be crazy. So we don't say anything. And we become enveloped by a deep loneliness, not knowing where our feelings come from or what to do with them. Why do I feel this way?”
― Sabrina Ward Harrison

 

 
my mind can sometimes be out of control. it'll start with one thought and then snowball into what feels like a million tiny men tromping through my brain. the thoughts that snowball normally only last for a moment but what happens is one thought leads to another and then another and so on until i can't remember what my first thought was and I'm left with tears running down my face. and if i'm not crying, i'm standing there with a blank look on my face because i have no clue. 

it's difficult. i mean, everyone wants to talk me through it but no one understands that i have no idea what is going on. and when, which is most of the time, i know what is going on, i'm too embarrassed to be honest about it. i am afraid of judgement or being made feel stupid. people say they won't judge but the tone used and looks given portray something completely different. so, my feelings and thoughts are pacified until the next snowstorm comes rolling in.

the big battle is controlling my mind and thoughts. it's finding someone i feel comfortable enough around to actually talk about my insecurities and struggles with. i want to let things out but how do i trust that with the things i'm still dealing with, people won't talk about it with others. how am i to know that my feelings, thoughts, and fight are safe with anyone. i know how short the distance between one's ear and mouth is and i'm terrified that the distance will shorten.

i want to feel safe. i want to feel secure. i want to feel free.

right now, i feel trapped. it's as though i'm a wild animal stuck in a cage. my insides burn with desire for freedom. my mind contemplates ways out. the way it figures, i have three options.

option one is probably the least likely. death. if only i could die, i would be free of what feels like a life of torment and self-battle. it would be quick and as painless as possible. i know it's selfish and that is part of the reason i have not ventured to think more about it. quite frankly, i'm not sure i have the gull to go through with anything anyway.

option two is running away or quitting. if i could just give up, the battle would be easier. if there wasn't so much stress or pressure to do well, i could stand a little stronger. if i could feel average, maybe i could also feel "ok."

finally, my last and most difficult option is freedom. i could simply be set free. it's the hardest option because i have no idea how to go about this. i thought i was free. i'm not sure when or where i was when i was misinformed.

i don't know when hope disappeared and my light grew dim. all i want is to burn bright. i want to shine like the stars. i want to burn bright like a firework. 

to be shot off into the night sky. soaring high until i final BOOM! bursting forth in light and beauty. everyone watching me burn to oblivion. my sole purpose - showing those with no hope that even the smallest and seemingly pointless lights burn bright and are loved by someone. 

until i can figure this all out, i will think quietly about how to make it through the day. i will try to figure out how to shut my mind off until i feel better equipped  to handle it. i'm sure one more day, week, month or year won't kill me. i'm sure that when the time is right, i will be lit and shot into the sky to burn for all to see. i'm sure that when the time comes, i will know and embrace that which is destined to be. i'm sure when all is said and done, i will walk out shaking my head at what once was because what is trumps all that ever was in my life.

thoughts from within

i feel trapped like a wild animal. my back is against the wall and i'm showing teeth. the hair on my neck is raised and sweat dripping down my face. i feel like running but how do i get out of this? how do i manage to run this time?

it's my own fault. it's my lack of ambition; my lack of drive. these days i find that the only things that get me going are frustration, anger, and sometimes fear. i've shed all dignity for a feel-good moment in time. i've replaced self-respect with loathing. i can't seem to remember what it is to love oneself.

i breath in and out. my eyes shake at the sight of my only out. escape means to lose everything but it also means gaining everything. ultimate freedom in exchange for ultimate life. do i want to sacrifice? have i weighed the cost? have i counted my loss?

most would look at my options and sacrifice. my stubbornness has set in and it's holding ground. i want to panic but i also want to rage. i want to lash out and try to fight. i want to feel brave and independent. i want to do this on my own.

time, it's clicking away. fear, racing through my mind. i would ask for advice but no one wants to hear my irrational ramblings. everyone is tired. tired of me. they are tired of the slow chiseling away of their patience and irrational feelings on a near daily basis. it's best if i leave them unaware of the battle going on inside.

decision. i will stand here. i will stand here in my mental prison waiting on me. i will stand here in my mental prison, waiting on me to decide that my only option is the right one. i will stand here until i have convinced myself that living a life of selfishness is not worth losing my soul over. i will stand.

i will stand until all fight inside me has passed. i will stand with face down and hands raised. this will be my position until the fight is over. this will be my position until i have learned to submit flesh to the Spirit. this will be my stance.

"love is on it's way"

"love is on it's way." or so my fortune cookie said in the chinese restaurant this afternoon.

i don't believe it. i am certain that love will stay far away from me. i am certainly sure love will never find me and even more sure that love is running a million miles in the opposite direction of my existence.

what is the big deal with love? why do i think i need love? why does love feel so good and hurt so bad? why do i feel like it is essential to my very existence? why do i feel empty when it feels so far away and full when it feels reachable.

my heart longs to know the love of another. it's desperate to know what it feels like to be with that person who knows you like they know themselves. it longs for completion. it needs to feel healthy.

i feel like i don't deserve love. i feel like i will never deserve love. i feel like i will be the last person to receive love and as i do, Jesus will return and it won't matter. i feel like even hoping for love is stupid. i feel like love is a longing that is in me to never be met. it is a thirst that will never be quenched because i deserve to thirst for eternity.

"love is on it's way," but only for those who are lovable.