the big battle

“What we don't let out traps us. We think, No one else feels this way, I must be crazy. So we don't say anything. And we become enveloped by a deep loneliness, not knowing where our feelings come from or what to do with them. Why do I feel this way?”
― Sabrina Ward Harrison

 

 
my mind can sometimes be out of control. it'll start with one thought and then snowball into what feels like a million tiny men tromping through my brain. the thoughts that snowball normally only last for a moment but what happens is one thought leads to another and then another and so on until i can't remember what my first thought was and I'm left with tears running down my face. and if i'm not crying, i'm standing there with a blank look on my face because i have no clue. 

it's difficult. i mean, everyone wants to talk me through it but no one understands that i have no idea what is going on. and when, which is most of the time, i know what is going on, i'm too embarrassed to be honest about it. i am afraid of judgement or being made feel stupid. people say they won't judge but the tone used and looks given portray something completely different. so, my feelings and thoughts are pacified until the next snowstorm comes rolling in.

the big battle is controlling my mind and thoughts. it's finding someone i feel comfortable enough around to actually talk about my insecurities and struggles with. i want to let things out but how do i trust that with the things i'm still dealing with, people won't talk about it with others. how am i to know that my feelings, thoughts, and fight are safe with anyone. i know how short the distance between one's ear and mouth is and i'm terrified that the distance will shorten.

i want to feel safe. i want to feel secure. i want to feel free.

right now, i feel trapped. it's as though i'm a wild animal stuck in a cage. my insides burn with desire for freedom. my mind contemplates ways out. the way it figures, i have three options.

option one is probably the least likely. death. if only i could die, i would be free of what feels like a life of torment and self-battle. it would be quick and as painless as possible. i know it's selfish and that is part of the reason i have not ventured to think more about it. quite frankly, i'm not sure i have the gull to go through with anything anyway.

option two is running away or quitting. if i could just give up, the battle would be easier. if there wasn't so much stress or pressure to do well, i could stand a little stronger. if i could feel average, maybe i could also feel "ok."

finally, my last and most difficult option is freedom. i could simply be set free. it's the hardest option because i have no idea how to go about this. i thought i was free. i'm not sure when or where i was when i was misinformed.

i don't know when hope disappeared and my light grew dim. all i want is to burn bright. i want to shine like the stars. i want to burn bright like a firework. 

to be shot off into the night sky. soaring high until i final BOOM! bursting forth in light and beauty. everyone watching me burn to oblivion. my sole purpose - showing those with no hope that even the smallest and seemingly pointless lights burn bright and are loved by someone. 

until i can figure this all out, i will think quietly about how to make it through the day. i will try to figure out how to shut my mind off until i feel better equipped  to handle it. i'm sure one more day, week, month or year won't kill me. i'm sure that when the time is right, i will be lit and shot into the sky to burn for all to see. i'm sure that when the time comes, i will know and embrace that which is destined to be. i'm sure when all is said and done, i will walk out shaking my head at what once was because what is trumps all that ever was in my life.

thoughts from within

i feel trapped like a wild animal. my back is against the wall and i'm showing teeth. the hair on my neck is raised and sweat dripping down my face. i feel like running but how do i get out of this? how do i manage to run this time?

it's my own fault. it's my lack of ambition; my lack of drive. these days i find that the only things that get me going are frustration, anger, and sometimes fear. i've shed all dignity for a feel-good moment in time. i've replaced self-respect with loathing. i can't seem to remember what it is to love oneself.

i breath in and out. my eyes shake at the sight of my only out. escape means to lose everything but it also means gaining everything. ultimate freedom in exchange for ultimate life. do i want to sacrifice? have i weighed the cost? have i counted my loss?

most would look at my options and sacrifice. my stubbornness has set in and it's holding ground. i want to panic but i also want to rage. i want to lash out and try to fight. i want to feel brave and independent. i want to do this on my own.

time, it's clicking away. fear, racing through my mind. i would ask for advice but no one wants to hear my irrational ramblings. everyone is tired. tired of me. they are tired of the slow chiseling away of their patience and irrational feelings on a near daily basis. it's best if i leave them unaware of the battle going on inside.

decision. i will stand here. i will stand here in my mental prison waiting on me. i will stand here in my mental prison, waiting on me to decide that my only option is the right one. i will stand here until i have convinced myself that living a life of selfishness is not worth losing my soul over. i will stand.

i will stand until all fight inside me has passed. i will stand with face down and hands raised. this will be my position until the fight is over. this will be my position until i have learned to submit flesh to the Spirit. this will be my stance.

"love is on it's way"

"love is on it's way." or so my fortune cookie said in the chinese restaurant this afternoon.

i don't believe it. i am certain that love will stay far away from me. i am certainly sure love will never find me and even more sure that love is running a million miles in the opposite direction of my existence.

what is the big deal with love? why do i think i need love? why does love feel so good and hurt so bad? why do i feel like it is essential to my very existence? why do i feel empty when it feels so far away and full when it feels reachable.

my heart longs to know the love of another. it's desperate to know what it feels like to be with that person who knows you like they know themselves. it longs for completion. it needs to feel healthy.

i feel like i don't deserve love. i feel like i will never deserve love. i feel like i will be the last person to receive love and as i do, Jesus will return and it won't matter. i feel like even hoping for love is stupid. i feel like love is a longing that is in me to never be met. it is a thirst that will never be quenched because i deserve to thirst for eternity.

"love is on it's way," but only for those who are lovable.

Friday; me, my giant

"close your eyes and imagine your giant. what is it that keeps you from closer to God?" it was just last night when that question was presented during a rally at my church.

so on friday, just one day ago, i closed my eyes. when i did, i imagined my giant. well, my giant seemed to be not so large. my giant was rather short and stout. It was closer to home than what i expected.

my giant, the source of distance between me and God was, well.... my giant was, me. when i realized this, i was slightly confused. i had no idea how it could be. how could i be the very thing that separates me from the only thing i so desperately long for?

it's saturday. it's two weeks befor i go to a women's retreat and five days before my next day off. i am with friends. some of my favorites to be exact.

so, in this moment, i realize that i really am my biggest giant. i'm with these people and in this moment, i feel alone or something. i shouldn't. i shouldn't feel alone. i should feel smothered. i should feel loved. so, in this moment, i know that i am the one i must defeat.

how do you conquer yourself? how do you overcome your own mind? this is my mission. this is what i will be working on. i just have no idea where or how to start.

i'm getting better at recognizing that i am being irrational or a little crazy. now, how do i change my feelings? how do i not feel what i feel? it's hard. it's hard to imagine controlling feelings. i mean, emotions are totally different.

thursday.... decided

it's thursday. one day from final inspection at work; two days until we are supposed to open.

breathing in and out feels so easy today. sometimes breathing is the hardest thing i have to do. sometimes i don't even want to breathe. sometimes i debate whether or not i want to even live.

today. today i lived joyfully.

some days i don't know how i feel. to be honest, it's probably not that i don't know how i feel, it's that i don't want to admit or own up to those feelings. i don't want to be honest with what is going on inside of my heart, what's going on inside of my mind. i don't want to admit that i have real feelings. i don't want to be open. i don't want to be vulnerable. 

i'm just a few years from being thirty. i'm single and have no kids. my heart longs for the day that i will wake up next to the very person i woke up to everyday for the last 3,650 days. my heart longs for the pitter-patter of little feet running across the floor and the sweet giggles of children who are climbing into my bed early on saturday morning.

but who wants to truly admit that they have longings they are afraid will never be soothed? who wants to stand in front of their friends and peers and admit that sometimes the very thought of being alone for the rest of their life makes them want to be done living right now? who wants to admit that they long for the very things that they've been longing for years now? who wants to admit they feel as though they long too much?

i thought for sure five years ago when i dreamed of the future, i would have a husband, 2 kids, a st. bernard, and a house with a nice sized yard for all to play in. i thought for sure that i would be finished with school and be sending one of my two to preschool. i thought for sure i would have it all worked out and that i'd be living the "life."

i've realize that i'm not even sure what the "life" is supposed to look like. my mind feels like there are a million questions floating around. questions like: "what if this is the life?" "what if each 'life' is different because we are not all supposed to live in this cookie-cutter 'life'?" " does the 'life' have to include a husband and children? can't the 'life' be me, happy and content with where i'm at?"  "who decides what the 'life' is anyway?"  "who has decided that the life i'm living isn't good enough?"

i stop. my life is my own. i must not compare to others. i will be content with it. i will know that there is room for growth. i will not let the fact that it isn't everything i thought it would be stop me from living.

i have decided.

wednesday; trying to figure it all out

busy weeks seem to pass by too quickly. i always feel like i'm going through life in fast forward when i have a busy week. it's like i hit play on monday and by the time the afternoon comes, someone has hit fast forward and before i know it, monday has returned to me. that seems to be this week thus far.

wednesday. it is the third day of the week. the first day back to work in four days and three days before we open our second property. it's two days before the big youth event and only two hours after i shared what i feel like God has been speaking to me about over the last week.

after church was over, i felt sad and alone. both of which are legit feelings; neither of which are true. if anything, i should be super happy about how today went. my boss at work told me that i am really good at my job and that i was greatly missed the four days i was gone. church went well.

we had a girl give her life to Christ. she decided to forgive people who hurt her. i share what was on my heart and it seem to be well received. after the word and prayer, i hung out and joked around with everyone. i loved and poured out.

so why is it that as i drove home, i had a mini break-down. actually, i'm not even sure you can call it a break down. i think it was more anxiety than anything. what was the big deal if my roommates went to the grocery store and i went home alone? what was so terrible about the fact that my friend was going to be crashing at my house but wouldn't really be spending any time with me?

why did i cry when a couple of my closest friends didn't answer their phones? what was going on that made me feel like i had just lost everyone i loved and cared about? no one died or disowned me. no one was upset or hurt by me. what are these crazy feelings that are rumbling in my inner being?

one of the two people i had tried to reach called me back. we talked and drew the conclusion that i really just need to pray and try to figure out what the root of it all is. after a few minutes of talking, i hung up and did some praying.

i can't say that i know what the deal is. i don't know why i had a mini breakdown. i don't know why sometimes i have separation issues or codependency problems. i do not know why some nights i want to lock the world up in my house so that everyone i love is together and other nights i want to lock the world out.

but here i am, blogging. i'm trying to sort out my thoughts. i'm trying to figure out if i'm okay or not. i'm trying to process what is going on in my mind. processing this day's highs and lows. i'm trying to better understand and control my emotions.

it's wednesday, the third day of the week. the first day back to work in four days and three days before we open our second property. it's two days before the big youth event and only two hours after i shared what i feel like God has been speaking to me the middle of the week and hopefully the most stressful day of this week. i'm hopeful. i'm looking up.

tuesday

there are days that i wake up and loathe life itself. i pray that by the grace of God, on the way to work something tragic will happen & i will get to leave this crazy small town that i call home. i go to the bathroom and as i empty my bladder, rehearse all of the things i must do today.

tuesday. the second day of this week. three days from valentine's day and two days from my day off. it's the day after one of the worst work days i've had in a while. i turn on the shower and think about how i wish i could use hotter water but how it will make me itch like no one's business, so i opt for something lukewarm.

showers normally bring me revelation. it's the time where my mind shuts off worries and stress. today, tuesday, it's the time where i catch up on sleep i missed last night. fifteen minutes, that's the amount of extra sleep i get this morning.

getting ready for work is not fun. but by this time, i'm a little more awake. i dry, fix my hair, and dress. by this time, i'm running just barely on time. i slip on shoes, run out and start my car. when i come back inside, one of the two roommates i have is exercising. i hate that she is so motivated because at 6:30 a.m., all i want to do is go back to sleep.

i let the car run for five minutes, grab my lunch and say goodbye.

on the way to work i think. i wonder what i'm going to talk about at church on wednesday and debate whether or not i should even bother with it. i feel guilty for only giving half of my energy towards something i love. i pray a little bit and just try to stay awake.

work is okay on tuesday mornings. it's a little cold but nothing too bad. i'll make it through the day and work at church for three or four hours. a new girl will visit me and hopefully we will have fun. i'm a little nervous because i'm not good at making new friends. so, i'm definitely praying that God gives me grace and courage.

my mind in the morning isn't sharp. i feel slow and lagging. normally by mid morning i'm more alert and able to process. it's tuesday.

tuesday. the second day of this week. three days from valentine's day and two days from my day off. it's the day after one of the worst work days i've had in a while. it's the day i begin to breathe again. the day i start to live.