thoughts from within

i feel trapped like a wild animal. my back is against the wall and i'm showing teeth. the hair on my neck is raised and sweat dripping down my face. i feel like running but how do i get out of this? how do i manage to run this time?

it's my own fault. it's my lack of ambition; my lack of drive. these days i find that the only things that get me going are frustration, anger, and sometimes fear. i've shed all dignity for a feel-good moment in time. i've replaced self-respect with loathing. i can't seem to remember what it is to love oneself.

i breath in and out. my eyes shake at the sight of my only out. escape means to lose everything but it also means gaining everything. ultimate freedom in exchange for ultimate life. do i want to sacrifice? have i weighed the cost? have i counted my loss?

most would look at my options and sacrifice. my stubbornness has set in and it's holding ground. i want to panic but i also want to rage. i want to lash out and try to fight. i want to feel brave and independent. i want to do this on my own.

time, it's clicking away. fear, racing through my mind. i would ask for advice but no one wants to hear my irrational ramblings. everyone is tired. tired of me. they are tired of the slow chiseling away of their patience and irrational feelings on a near daily basis. it's best if i leave them unaware of the battle going on inside.

decision. i will stand here. i will stand here in my mental prison waiting on me. i will stand here in my mental prison, waiting on me to decide that my only option is the right one. i will stand here until i have convinced myself that living a life of selfishness is not worth losing my soul over. i will stand.

i will stand until all fight inside me has passed. i will stand with face down and hands raised. this will be my position until the fight is over. this will be my position until i have learned to submit flesh to the Spirit. this will be my stance.

"love is on it's way"

"love is on it's way." or so my fortune cookie said in the chinese restaurant this afternoon.

i don't believe it. i am certain that love will stay far away from me. i am certainly sure love will never find me and even more sure that love is running a million miles in the opposite direction of my existence.

what is the big deal with love? why do i think i need love? why does love feel so good and hurt so bad? why do i feel like it is essential to my very existence? why do i feel empty when it feels so far away and full when it feels reachable.

my heart longs to know the love of another. it's desperate to know what it feels like to be with that person who knows you like they know themselves. it longs for completion. it needs to feel healthy.

i feel like i don't deserve love. i feel like i will never deserve love. i feel like i will be the last person to receive love and as i do, Jesus will return and it won't matter. i feel like even hoping for love is stupid. i feel like love is a longing that is in me to never be met. it is a thirst that will never be quenched because i deserve to thirst for eternity.

"love is on it's way," but only for those who are lovable.