it's thursday. one day from final inspection at work; two days until we are supposed to open.
breathing in and out feels so easy today. sometimes breathing is the hardest thing i have to do. sometimes i don't even want to breathe. sometimes i debate whether or not i want to even live.
today. today i lived joyfully.
some days i don't know how i feel. to be honest, it's probably not that i don't know how i feel, it's that i don't want to admit or own up to those feelings. i don't want to be honest with what is going on inside of my heart, what's going on inside of my mind. i don't want to admit that i have real feelings. i don't want to be open. i don't want to be vulnerable.
i'm just a few years from being thirty. i'm single and have no kids. my heart longs for the day that i will wake up next to the very person i woke up to everyday for the last 3,650 days. my heart longs for the pitter-patter of little feet running across the floor and the sweet giggles of children who are climbing into my bed early on saturday morning.
but who wants to truly admit that they have longings they are afraid will never be soothed? who wants to stand in front of their friends and peers and admit that sometimes the very thought of being alone for the rest of their life makes them want to be done living right now? who wants to admit that they long for the very things that they've been longing for years now? who wants to admit they feel as though they long too much?
i thought for sure five years ago when i dreamed of the future, i would have a husband, 2 kids, a st. bernard, and a house with a nice sized yard for all to play in. i thought for sure that i would be finished with school and be sending one of my two to preschool. i thought for sure i would have it all worked out and that i'd be living the "life."
i've realize that i'm not even sure what the "life" is supposed to look like. my mind feels like there are a million questions floating around. questions like: "what if this is the life?" "what if each 'life' is different because we are not all supposed to live in this cookie-cutter 'life'?" " does the 'life' have to include a husband and children? can't the 'life' be me, happy and content with where i'm at?" "who decides what the 'life' is anyway?" "who has decided that the life i'm living isn't good enough?"
i stop. my life is my own. i must not compare to others. i will be content with it. i will know that there is room for growth. i will not let the fact that it isn't everything i thought it would be stop me from living.
i have decided.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
wednesday; trying to figure it all out
busy weeks seem to pass by too quickly. i always feel like i'm going through life in fast forward when i have a busy week. it's like i hit play on monday and by the time the afternoon comes, someone has hit fast forward and before i know it, monday has returned to me. that seems to be this week thus far.
wednesday. it is the third day of the week. the first day back to work in four days and three days before we open our second property. it's two days before the big youth event and only two hours after i shared what i feel like God has been speaking to me about over the last week.
after church was over, i felt sad and alone. both of which are legit feelings; neither of which are true. if anything, i should be super happy about how today went. my boss at work told me that i am really good at my job and that i was greatly missed the four days i was gone. church went well.
we had a girl give her life to Christ. she decided to forgive people who hurt her. i share what was on my heart and it seem to be well received. after the word and prayer, i hung out and joked around with everyone. i loved and poured out.
so why is it that as i drove home, i had a mini break-down. actually, i'm not even sure you can call it a break down. i think it was more anxiety than anything. what was the big deal if my roommates went to the grocery store and i went home alone? what was so terrible about the fact that my friend was going to be crashing at my house but wouldn't really be spending any time with me?
why did i cry when a couple of my closest friends didn't answer their phones? what was going on that made me feel like i had just lost everyone i loved and cared about? no one died or disowned me. no one was upset or hurt by me. what are these crazy feelings that are rumbling in my inner being?
one of the two people i had tried to reach called me back. we talked and drew the conclusion that i really just need to pray and try to figure out what the root of it all is. after a few minutes of talking, i hung up and did some praying.
i can't say that i know what the deal is. i don't know why i had a mini breakdown. i don't know why sometimes i have separation issues or codependency problems. i do not know why some nights i want to lock the world up in my house so that everyone i love is together and other nights i want to lock the world out.
but here i am, blogging. i'm trying to sort out my thoughts. i'm trying to figure out if i'm okay or not. i'm trying to process what is going on in my mind. processing this day's highs and lows. i'm trying to better understand and control my emotions.
it's wednesday, the third day of the week. the first day back to work in four days and three days before we open our second property. it's two days before the big youth event and only two hours after i shared what i feel like God has been speaking to me the middle of the week and hopefully the most stressful day of this week. i'm hopeful. i'm looking up.
wednesday. it is the third day of the week. the first day back to work in four days and three days before we open our second property. it's two days before the big youth event and only two hours after i shared what i feel like God has been speaking to me about over the last week.
after church was over, i felt sad and alone. both of which are legit feelings; neither of which are true. if anything, i should be super happy about how today went. my boss at work told me that i am really good at my job and that i was greatly missed the four days i was gone. church went well.
we had a girl give her life to Christ. she decided to forgive people who hurt her. i share what was on my heart and it seem to be well received. after the word and prayer, i hung out and joked around with everyone. i loved and poured out.
so why is it that as i drove home, i had a mini break-down. actually, i'm not even sure you can call it a break down. i think it was more anxiety than anything. what was the big deal if my roommates went to the grocery store and i went home alone? what was so terrible about the fact that my friend was going to be crashing at my house but wouldn't really be spending any time with me?
why did i cry when a couple of my closest friends didn't answer their phones? what was going on that made me feel like i had just lost everyone i loved and cared about? no one died or disowned me. no one was upset or hurt by me. what are these crazy feelings that are rumbling in my inner being?
one of the two people i had tried to reach called me back. we talked and drew the conclusion that i really just need to pray and try to figure out what the root of it all is. after a few minutes of talking, i hung up and did some praying.
i can't say that i know what the deal is. i don't know why i had a mini breakdown. i don't know why sometimes i have separation issues or codependency problems. i do not know why some nights i want to lock the world up in my house so that everyone i love is together and other nights i want to lock the world out.
but here i am, blogging. i'm trying to sort out my thoughts. i'm trying to figure out if i'm okay or not. i'm trying to process what is going on in my mind. processing this day's highs and lows. i'm trying to better understand and control my emotions.
it's wednesday, the third day of the week. the first day back to work in four days and three days before we open our second property. it's two days before the big youth event and only two hours after i shared what i feel like God has been speaking to me the middle of the week and hopefully the most stressful day of this week. i'm hopeful. i'm looking up.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
tuesday
there are days that i wake up and loathe life itself. i pray that by the grace of God, on the way to work something tragic will happen & i will get to leave this crazy small town that i call home. i go to the bathroom and as i empty my bladder, rehearse all of the things i must do today.
tuesday. the second day of this week. three days from valentine's day and two days from my day off. it's the day after one of the worst work days i've had in a while. i turn on the shower and think about how i wish i could use hotter water but how it will make me itch like no one's business, so i opt for something lukewarm.
showers normally bring me revelation. it's the time where my mind shuts off worries and stress. today, tuesday, it's the time where i catch up on sleep i missed last night. fifteen minutes, that's the amount of extra sleep i get this morning.
getting ready for work is not fun. but by this time, i'm a little more awake. i dry, fix my hair, and dress. by this time, i'm running just barely on time. i slip on shoes, run out and start my car. when i come back inside, one of the two roommates i have is exercising. i hate that she is so motivated because at 6:30 a.m., all i want to do is go back to sleep.
i let the car run for five minutes, grab my lunch and say goodbye.
on the way to work i think. i wonder what i'm going to talk about at church on wednesday and debate whether or not i should even bother with it. i feel guilty for only giving half of my energy towards something i love. i pray a little bit and just try to stay awake.
work is okay on tuesday mornings. it's a little cold but nothing too bad. i'll make it through the day and work at church for three or four hours. a new girl will visit me and hopefully we will have fun. i'm a little nervous because i'm not good at making new friends. so, i'm definitely praying that God gives me grace and courage.
my mind in the morning isn't sharp. i feel slow and lagging. normally by mid morning i'm more alert and able to process. it's tuesday.
tuesday. the second day of this week. three days from valentine's day and two days from my day off. it's the day after one of the worst work days i've had in a while. it's the day i begin to breathe again. the day i start to live.
tuesday. the second day of this week. three days from valentine's day and two days from my day off. it's the day after one of the worst work days i've had in a while. i turn on the shower and think about how i wish i could use hotter water but how it will make me itch like no one's business, so i opt for something lukewarm.
showers normally bring me revelation. it's the time where my mind shuts off worries and stress. today, tuesday, it's the time where i catch up on sleep i missed last night. fifteen minutes, that's the amount of extra sleep i get this morning.
getting ready for work is not fun. but by this time, i'm a little more awake. i dry, fix my hair, and dress. by this time, i'm running just barely on time. i slip on shoes, run out and start my car. when i come back inside, one of the two roommates i have is exercising. i hate that she is so motivated because at 6:30 a.m., all i want to do is go back to sleep.
i let the car run for five minutes, grab my lunch and say goodbye.
on the way to work i think. i wonder what i'm going to talk about at church on wednesday and debate whether or not i should even bother with it. i feel guilty for only giving half of my energy towards something i love. i pray a little bit and just try to stay awake.
work is okay on tuesday mornings. it's a little cold but nothing too bad. i'll make it through the day and work at church for three or four hours. a new girl will visit me and hopefully we will have fun. i'm a little nervous because i'm not good at making new friends. so, i'm definitely praying that God gives me grace and courage.
my mind in the morning isn't sharp. i feel slow and lagging. normally by mid morning i'm more alert and able to process. it's tuesday.
tuesday. the second day of this week. three days from valentine's day and two days from my day off. it's the day after one of the worst work days i've had in a while. it's the day i begin to breathe again. the day i start to live.
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