the big battle

“What we don't let out traps us. We think, No one else feels this way, I must be crazy. So we don't say anything. And we become enveloped by a deep loneliness, not knowing where our feelings come from or what to do with them. Why do I feel this way?”
― Sabrina Ward Harrison

 

 
my mind can sometimes be out of control. it'll start with one thought and then snowball into what feels like a million tiny men tromping through my brain. the thoughts that snowball normally only last for a moment but what happens is one thought leads to another and then another and so on until i can't remember what my first thought was and I'm left with tears running down my face. and if i'm not crying, i'm standing there with a blank look on my face because i have no clue. 

it's difficult. i mean, everyone wants to talk me through it but no one understands that i have no idea what is going on. and when, which is most of the time, i know what is going on, i'm too embarrassed to be honest about it. i am afraid of judgement or being made feel stupid. people say they won't judge but the tone used and looks given portray something completely different. so, my feelings and thoughts are pacified until the next snowstorm comes rolling in.

the big battle is controlling my mind and thoughts. it's finding someone i feel comfortable enough around to actually talk about my insecurities and struggles with. i want to let things out but how do i trust that with the things i'm still dealing with, people won't talk about it with others. how am i to know that my feelings, thoughts, and fight are safe with anyone. i know how short the distance between one's ear and mouth is and i'm terrified that the distance will shorten.

i want to feel safe. i want to feel secure. i want to feel free.

right now, i feel trapped. it's as though i'm a wild animal stuck in a cage. my insides burn with desire for freedom. my mind contemplates ways out. the way it figures, i have three options.

option one is probably the least likely. death. if only i could die, i would be free of what feels like a life of torment and self-battle. it would be quick and as painless as possible. i know it's selfish and that is part of the reason i have not ventured to think more about it. quite frankly, i'm not sure i have the gull to go through with anything anyway.

option two is running away or quitting. if i could just give up, the battle would be easier. if there wasn't so much stress or pressure to do well, i could stand a little stronger. if i could feel average, maybe i could also feel "ok."

finally, my last and most difficult option is freedom. i could simply be set free. it's the hardest option because i have no idea how to go about this. i thought i was free. i'm not sure when or where i was when i was misinformed.

i don't know when hope disappeared and my light grew dim. all i want is to burn bright. i want to shine like the stars. i want to burn bright like a firework. 

to be shot off into the night sky. soaring high until i final BOOM! bursting forth in light and beauty. everyone watching me burn to oblivion. my sole purpose - showing those with no hope that even the smallest and seemingly pointless lights burn bright and are loved by someone. 

until i can figure this all out, i will think quietly about how to make it through the day. i will try to figure out how to shut my mind off until i feel better equipped  to handle it. i'm sure one more day, week, month or year won't kill me. i'm sure that when the time is right, i will be lit and shot into the sky to burn for all to see. i'm sure that when the time comes, i will know and embrace that which is destined to be. i'm sure when all is said and done, i will walk out shaking my head at what once was because what is trumps all that ever was in my life.